How to Get Your Children to Talk About Problems at School – eHealth Connection

Many school-age children suffer silently over problems or difficulties at school. Whether academic, social or emotional, school-related problems can trouble, worry and negatively impact children without them ever saying a word.

That’s why it’s important for parents to establish and maintain a regular dialog with their school-age children every single day, say psychologists at Cooper University Hospital.“It can be very difficult for parents to get their children to open up and talk about what they’re experiencing at school, particularly when they’re having a problem,” said licensed psychologist and certified school psychologist Richard Selznick, Ph.D., Director, Cooper Learning Center, in Voorhees, New Jersey.

“By knowing how to engage a child in conversation and carrying out that conversation in a spirit of acceptance and understanding, parents often times can get to the bottom of what’s bothering their child. They can then take the necessary steps to correct it,” he said.

“Productive communication can occur when children know they can count on their parents to really listen to them without being critical, judgmental or impatient. It is, perhaps, the most important thing parents can do for their children,” Dr. Selznick said.

He offers these tips to encourage good communication with your school-age children:

• Acknowledge and talk to your children about the mixed emotions or nervousness they might be feeling about the new school year. Remind them of their positive experiences in the past – the friends they’ve made, the things they’ve learned, the fun they’ve had – and how the new school year is an opportunity for more of the same. Help them be aware of their past successes.
• Focus on your children at the end of every day, giving them a regular time period for your undivided attention. Ask questions and actively listen to how their day went and what the highlights and negatives were. Be calm, attentive and supportive. Do not criticize.
• Ask questions that require more than a one-word answer. For example, instead of asking “How was school today?” try something like “What was the best (and worst) part of your day today?” or “What was the most interesting (and difficult) thing you learned (or did) today?” Pay close attention to their words along with their feelings to get the complete message.
• Remember, it isn’t necessary to provide answers or solutions to what your children bring up. Your goal is to tune in and acknowledge their feelings and concerns. One way to get them to talk about their feelings is to reflect the emotion you think they feel in relation to a problem. For example, if your child is being rejected by the classmates she wants to befriend, try “It looks like you’re sad that Julie and Melissa didn’t ask you to join them at their lunch table.” Children learn about their feelings by having them defined in context.

“Using these tactics almost always insures a productive dialog,” Dr. Selznick said, “enabling parents to quickly identify and address problems before they become worse.”

To learn more about the Cooper Learning Center’s available programs and services for parents and students of all ages, visit them online at www.cooperhealth.org/learningcenter, or call 1-800-8-COOPER (1-800-826-6737).