do stories shape our reality, or does reality define our stories? | clutch at straws

quite a long time in the grocery store
I can’ t just buy anything, I must have control
I’m examining every product, every label
every viand, every tag, every nutrition table

I’m comparing the low-calorie food
for half an hour, it seems I am glued
to this shelves, I’m not able to take
just the things I would like..

when I’m arriving at the cash desk
relief is spreading cause my bag seems so light
I’m proud of myself and I’m sure with this determination
my body turns slight in a short while

and now I’m writing down the calories
I’m counting all these numbers, I consume
everything I ate , everything i drank
yet again the summation already ends

I have one companion
it’s this voice – in my head -it is telling me – that I’m wrong, it is never content

and all I’m thinking about
will I exercise – or will I not – will I eat – no I won’t, cause the voice is

too loud and it’s shouting at me
“you’re a disgrace!”, I can’t look at myself
wherever I am, I feel out of place

no matter – where I am,
alone or with my friends
I feel out of place

the one and only thing that matters
is the number on the scales
and with every pound I’m losing
I’m getting closer to my self

I’m coming closer to my goal
I’m losing weight and I will show
myself and everybody else
that I will make it in the end
I’m afraid of the mirror
I can’t look at myself
And I feel ashamed of my body
I’m a disgrace to myself

I am struggling with pain, the emptiness
in my stomach is driving me insane
and again I was weak, so I have to repeat
I am raising my fingers and sticking them into my

The first time in my life
I had full control
I was the one to decide

(finally) I had success with something
I have control bout everything
I am the one who

i love my dad, one part of him
the one who’s nice and caring
the other dad, that comes home late
i’m frightened of, but this one is fake

i don’t know how to feel
which one – is real

everytime the one dad appears
it hurts, inside and outside
but the next day he just disappeard
so it is clear, he is not real

but real are the bruises, i can feel
all over me, all over my body
and the tear-stained eyes of mum
the fear in here eyes – not gone

i don’t understand completely
but i observed one thing, for sure
that my bad dad t exists at night
my good dad just exists at daylight

my mother often tells me
to be quiet , to stay in my room
i try to sleep but i’m not able to
(cause) she yells and cries and afterwards

my dad often comes in my room
and shouts at me, he sounds so different
my mother tries to hinder him
my mother tries to hinder him

but in the end..
the both of us…
are in pain and in silence
till today …

and it repeats…
again and again
day after day, week after week
until today…

i know it’s not your fault
but sometimes it is hard
just not to get angry
not to get mad

cause it’s so disappointing
it hurts too much
when you look into my eyes
but you don’t recognise (me)

it took time to realise,
that your mind disappears
at first i declined
now i start to fear

i am living with you
you deny that you do
you think you don’t live with me, you think you do not belong
in this house but you’re wrong

i am alone
you are with me, but you are not
i’m by my own

i feel alone
you are with me, your self is gone
i’m by my own

i feel alone
your body’s here, your mind is not
i’m by my own

i feel alone
i am with you, with all my heart
but you are not

i know you’re not to blame
and that you’re suffering too
but i can’t just pretend
that nothing has changed

you’re a stranger to me
as i am to you
but the difference is, i remember
what we went through

we spend our whole lives together
i am your wife, i will be your wife (forever)
we had hard times (together)
so many moments together (in my memory forever)

and it’s still in my head
but in your head it’s not
that’s why sometimes i have the feeling
that i made everything up

how can a person forget
everything that he did

every person he met
every feeling he felt

there’s just so much you are
that exists cause of you

and you are – the only one
who does not know

anyting about your life
anything – about yourself
and me

anyting about this/his life
anything – about yourself/himself
and me

he is / seems alive, what does that mean?
not really here, but inbetween
there’s no connection to anything
i’d wish to have him back again

just for one moment, for one second
to look into his eyes again
to tell hm what i failed to say
when he was with me, when he was

he was alive, what does that mean?
could i have told him, all the things
when he was here, he was with us
but now he’s gone, i’m by my own

with all the guilt
and all my thoughts
unspoken words
will stay untold

so long with me
now, forever gone
unspoken words
will stay untold

she is sitting allone in a room
looking out of the window and having regrets
she is shaking and can’t find the words
she wants to write down, the words that belong

to a woman, to a desperate mother who lost her child
but she knows there is nothing she can say
there is nothing she can do, cause she can’t do things undone
she’s not able to turn back time

faster breath and higher pulse
her eyes begin to fill with tears
she is overstrained and helpless
feeling sorry and self-hatred

everything went far too fast
it was dark and it was wet
it was not smart to drive the car
but she thought she can handle it

just one or two seconds of inattention
the eyelids felt so heavy
just one moment, what could happen?
there was this other car she was heading

and the next thing she recognizes
is feeling heat and feeling pain
smelling smoke and seein nothing
she has no clue what’s going on

there were medics, flashing blue light
they asked her things, she did not know
she was confused, she was in pain
she still did not understand any of anything

but the next time she is reviving
there are news on the tv
and they report about an accident
her car accident

she finds out there was a boy
in the other car, with 18 years
who passed away immediately
he was sober, he was not to blame

so there she’s sitting
in a hopsital room
looking out of the window
and having regrets
she is shaking, She’s panting
She cannot find the words

she would like to write down
on this note/(chit) that lies in front
on this letter that belongs
to his mother

he’s leaving the house early
because he cannot stand
another breakfast with his family
where he has to pretend
that everything is finde
cause clearly it is not
but still he did not tell (them)
he’s nowhere near to well

it was a prophylactic check-up
he would never have believed
no, he never ever thought that
he is ill, that he’ll receive
a diagnosis of cancer
at stage four
which means he’ll stay alive
for half a year, or so

louise was waking up
and she saw me still awake
she asked what’s on my mind
so I started to narrate

my visit to the doctor
I did not tell the truth
nothing is ok – nothing is fine
I have a diagnosis
for a metastatic cancer
which means it will probably end my life

it’s living inside me, it’s taking over
it’s in my lungs it eats me up
from the inside out
I don’t want to surrender my life’s not over
there are possibilities, I’m still alive, I still can fight

I do not want to leave you
there’s still so much I need to
do, there are so many things
i have to experience

with you and with our girl
how can my life be over
I’m not ready, no
I cannot abandon her
she needs me I’m her father..
I have to be there for her

i must not leave
my life can’t be over
there are things I have to do
I have to recover

but I know this is not possible
cause this disease will end my life
though this is the reality
I wish I could survive

one step away, a big decision
already done, my faith is gone

too many incididents,
too many things against
myself, my life too hard
my mind is torn

how can it be, that in this short time
nearly everything turns bad
nearly everything i had is gone
and now i’m feeling sad, allone

it’s just too much, i cannot handle it
i’m going down under the weight
under the endlessness of issues
i lose my mind

i lost the sight, i’m lost inside
it’s dark, it’s stiffling, overwhelming
just a single path is lighted
and it’s one step away

i am mature to do it now
i will feel free like a bird
and after minutes, after seconds
i will be free forever

another morning , another day to survive
why not staying in my room, the only place i can hide
i hear him yelling, i hear her screaming again
i can’t sustain it, i have to leave this place

i feel uncomfortable, no matter what i’m doing
anytime: they are looking, everywhere: they are looking
but at the same time noone takes notice of me
i am invisible, the guy who appears,

when they profit from it, when they profit from me
they can strike, they can twit, they humiliate me
they just do whatever they want, i’m not able to flee
i’m not able to do anything of avail

i am useless, i’m a frail, i’m a ridiulousness
i’m a disgrace for this world, i am naught – i confess
why should anyone care about someone that does not even
care bout himself, just dispairs of himself
so i spend all my time/(my whole life) in anxiety for everyone
anxiety for everything and for the day after

so i spend my whole life in anxiety everywhere
anxiety anytime and the day after

so i spend my whole life in anxiety for everyone
anxiety for everything and for the day after

so i spend my whole life in anxiety everywhere
fear anytime, will there be a day after?

what am i talking about?
why am i feeling doubt?
this is not my fault
that’s what i will point out

i deserve better, from now on i will
make my decisions, they will pay their bill
i’ll fight for changing, no matter how far i need to go
i’ll change the rules of this game from now on

i’m no longer a shadow, i will step in the light
they will see me , they’ll notice, they will recognise
what’s my name? whats my age? how do i look?
i’m out from my cage – change the ending of this book

he laughs best, that laughs last
future’s different from the past
enough is enough

now i pull the strings
will have control bout everything

he laughs best, that laughs last
future’s different from the past

i will have control
i want to have control

have control `bout everything

everything that matters, everythnig that counts
not just for me, but for everyone else
they deserve it, i don’t really have any choice
they contradict, i can’t hear them: now i raise my voice

i’m not sure, let’s look one more time into my bag?
i can feel it, it’s heavy and edged
do they notice? do i look more nervous today
i don’t feel weak, but powerful instead

now i am there and nothing is different
noone is different i’m sure that i will
will i carry out, or will i call off?
no! it needs to been done

should i yell, should i shout at them, tell them what’s going on
tell them where they belong,tell them that they are wrong,
they are the bad ones, they made their decision
they chose to be brutal, they chose to be vicious

now they are the victims, just this single time
this is nothing compared to what i had to go through
for these few seconds they will understand
they will feel ashamed and they will regret

I’m no longer the victim
never again
today, i won’t give in

i can see all the fear, all the tears in their eyes
but this won’t keep me back, today noone survives
they did everything wrong, that’s not how you live life
so i end it, for them and for me and forever