The One Question You Should Never Ask Your Partner

Anyone who’s been in love should know by now that occasional relationship discord is inevitable. Smush two people together, add romantic chemistry, time, and external forces like job stress or family tensions, and there’s bound to be some turbulence amongst all the lovey kiss-making and such. I am not good at math, but this much I know is true. Another thing I know? Communication is key in any relationship—trust, even your expensive Upper West Side therapist and your expensive Lower East Side dungeon mistress would both agree. And sometimes conflict is a necessary byproduct of real, honest communication—c’est la vie authentically. But the good news is that conflict can be a massive opportunity for growth and connection once you move past the uncomfortable tension and onto the sexy rewards waiting in the resolution.

On your way there, though, allow me to re-route you away from a common speed bump—one that appears to be only a minor pothole but wields enough power to derail this whole love train. Of all the well-meaning phrases you can say to your dear one, please, I implore you, never, ever, ever ask your mate, “Are you mad at me?”

AYMAM is love’s most forbidden question and will curse your relationship with the eternally vexing, ancient spells of unsent chain letters. For every time someone reacts to a dip in their partner’s morale by asking “Are you mad at me?” not only does an angel die, a flame of rage simultaneously ignites within their lover’s heart.

Remember that part in The Mummy (1999) when Rachel Weisz mutters an incantation from the #BOTD (Book of the Dead), accidentally awaking the vengeful spirit of Imhotep, and that one archeologist dude who knows all about pesky book curses shouts, “YOU MUSTN’T READ FROM THE BOOK!!”

Just in the same way, you mustn’t ask your lover “Are you mad at me?”

This utterance too will awaken a vengeful spirit within your partner, potentially manifesting as even more confusing or annoying behavior on their part. (And you really don’t want that when you were just expressing concern over what you felt were iffy vibes interrupting your otherwise fun time.) Even if you are genuinely curious if they are mad at you, even if they haven’t spoken to you all day or week and are giving you the cold shoulder (in fact, especially then), even if they are behaving like a passive-aggressive, bitch-ass mope—restrain yourself. I know, I know. It’s hard! But this distinct combination of five words will undoubtedly exacerbate whatever troubles are already in store.

You may have had the best intentions, sincerely wishing to know what the hell is up, but you you you oughta know that thoughtlessly distributed good intentions can often expire before their benefits can be reaped, much like Bed, Bath, & Beyond coupons.

If none of this tracks, let’s unpack this centuries-old hex. The cadence of the phrase squares itself like some soft accusation: “Are YOU mad at ME?” You’re making yourself the subject here, ostensibly prioritizing yourself and your feelings over your partner’s. It is passively selfish and aggressively annoying. It is as though your ego stumbled out of your maw, and asked in its best Steve Urkel voice, did I do that? It is emotional self-centeredness masquerading as concern, and it serves mostly to alienate and enrage. It implies that your partner’s feelings break down to a yes-or-no binary, and feelings are in no way binary—which, if you’ve slogged through any Noah Baumbach film in the last year, you are not allowed to feign ignorance of this fact any longer.