American Pie Presents: The Book of Love (2009)

“I killed her with my sperm!!” — actual line of dialogue from this movie.

Oh boy.

Where to begin? Let’s start with the first scene, which has Bug Hall (who played Alfalfa in the Little Rascals remake in 1994) making love to a peanut butter sandwich… with what appears to be chunky peanut butter. Ouch. There is a dog involved. It all goes downhill after that.

How about the guest “stars”? Dustin “I stab people at bars now” Diamond. Kevin Federline. Bret Michaels. How they got Tim Matheson is fucking beyond me (he plays a guy named Carlito). Sherman Helmsley in his last film role.

In a bizarre movie connection, Director John Putch played Sean Brody in Jaws III. That…